“I have talked to 80-year-olds who remember the name of the person who tormented them in school, and the name of the child who stood up for them in first grade. This is pain that has lasted a lifetime,” says author Peggy Moss, who works tirelessly to educate parents, teachers and students on bullying and its lasting effects on children. She is a former prosecutor with the Department of the Attorney General in Maine, and an educator and curriculum developer with the Center for the Prevention of Hate Violence and the Cromwell Disabilities Center.
If you’re a woman, I am prepared to state with confidence that you have been bullied in your lifetime. In fact, female bullies exist in my world today just like they did when I was in high school and throughout my life. The difference is that they are easier to spot now and the minute they try to spew their bully vomit on me, I can quickly get out of the way of their energy sucking, self-esteem depleting toxin. More importantly, I am no longer afraid of them.
In my youth, bullies carried a great deal of weight. Being liked was of great importance to me and female bullies capitalized on that need, and still do. Today, as it was then, their method of choice is covert, usually snappy remarks or criticisms in social groups. There is a purpose to how and when criticism is exacted. The technical term is relational bullying, where groups of friends or team members will collect together. The bully needs to humiliate in order to degrade a likeable girl’s social status within the group. Unfortunately, the bully has some passive-aggressive associates that serve as unsuspecting allies, assisting in destroying the target/victim’s confidence and providing the bully with the uplift in social status that she is starved for. The bully is always known to everyone in the group, but self-preservation is the common denominator that preserves everyone’s silent.
In terms of how it affects the target, relational bullying is typically done surrounded by friends in a safe environment, which makes it all the more cruel.
The bully is given an inordinate amount of power as members within the group all fear becoming the target. To young girls, the bully’s critical remarks appear somewhat justified especially for those involved in sports, but make no mistake, her goal is to affect a target’s status within a specific peer group. She will use insulting remarks, negative body language, and implied intimidation all in the pursuit to destroy the self-confidence of a perceived rival. To the bully, everyone is a rival. My mother once told me that she had terrible acne growing up and she was teased unmercifully. As a child I remember thinking that if I could go back in time, I would stick up for her and be her friend and that she wouldn’t be so hurt by it so many years later.
A very dear friend of mine has a beautiful daughter, who has always carved her own path in life. Although she’s a great student, her teachers have always noted a character of quiet leadership and unassuming confidence that make her unique to others in her peer group. In a matter of a few months, her confidence has been shaken by relational bullying on her sports team, diminishing a once charismatic young lady into a sharp-tongued, anxious young woman afraid to make waves, speak or even disobey the bully who holds court on her team. Although my friend gets an earful about the bully’s targeting techniques after nearly every practice and game, her daughter is insistent that nothing be done about the issue. She feels that she can “take it” and if anything is said, something horrible will happen to her. How has this bully been able to infiltrate the psyche such a confident young girl? Never underestimate the power of the fear of being disliked in young women and a relational bully gains enormous power from bystanders who say nothing because of their implied consent.
The bully watches the witnesses’ reactions to her aggression and gains just as much pleasure from their behavior as her ability to deplete the self-confidence of her target through obedience. But bully vomit is hard to get out. The psychological effects last long into adulthood.
One night after a particular vent, my friend could practically see the bully vomit infiltrating her darling daughter’s once carefree 
demeanor. “I’m not going to be able to sit by on this one she told her darling daughter and the fear showed openly on her face.
Her once free spirited daughter had developed an angry armor that appeared after practices and games. And, while she understood that her daughter feared the wrath of the bully and the entire team, who she believed would be obedient to the bully, her mother knew all too well the long-term effects that were to come if the bully wasn’t rendered impotent.
The short and long term effects of relational bullying is anxiety, low self-confidence, negative peer relationships that were once positive, mortal fear of being disliked, lack of confidence.
One painful incident that is unresolved can lead to tragic circumstances, a once well-adjusted child can be reduced to second-guessing and self-loathing. Perhaps high school is where a majority of our confidence is lost. It is built in peer groups and easily destroy by bullies, reinforced by bystanders who appear to accept her insults by staying silent. Belonging is important for young women. Breaking this horrific cycle has to be a priority of all schools. Academics are important, but nothing takes the place of believing in who you are and what you’re capable of becoming.
Bully vomit can be everlasting.
