Gawker.com is one of my guilty pleasures. Where do they find those stories…that I love so much? Recently, writer Caity Wheeler posted a story called The Most Deranged Sorority Girl Email You Will Ever Read. It seems the Delta Gamma President at the University of Maryland was so peeved at her BORING and AWKWARD sisters that she wrote a vulgar, demeaning, vicious email chastising them. It has gone viral and even produced monologues from comedians acting out the email’s content.
I’m not familiar with the sailor mouth genre of writing, but it seems to pique people’s interest more so than an intelligently worded, fact-based post that typically goes unnoticed. I have to thank this mean girl for assisting with my letter to the 45 U.S. Senators that killed the recent gun bill. It really does help get the point across more quickly than any classic writing style.
If you just opened this, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of the U.S. Senate, you have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with public interest groups. I’ve been getting texts on texts about you 45 LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking COWARDLY. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee, I’m just not comfortable with any legislation with the word ‘gun’ in it, then punch yourself in the face right now.
I do not give a flying fuck, and the majority of the American public does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to suck up to interest groups, and this session is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.
This session is about addressing violence in America, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not make something happen. Newsflash you stupid cocks: the AMERICAN VOTERS DON’T LIKE POLITICIANS THAT LACK LEADERSHIP AND GUTS. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: MORE CHILDREN WILL DIE BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, the 113th Congress FUCKING SUCKS SO FAR.
This also applies to you little shits like Harry Reid who has talked openly about doing an end run around the rules, and only “pretended” to vote against the gun bill IN FRONT OF THE NRA. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so that your constituents won’t reelect you. If your loved one died from gun violence and leaders in Congress said “Yeah we’re gonna ignore it,” would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF OTHERS?!!
First of all, you SHOULDN’T be losing sight of your responsibilities as a Senator, I don’t give a FUCK who is donating to your reelection, if you can’t be objective or you’re too close with the NRA YOU DON’T GO to the session. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other Senators to side with you.
“But voters!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been a Senator for several terms and I voted for other popular legislation, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP with vital FUCKING legislation TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about Senators being fucking WEIRD in congress (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s a ‘yes’ vote?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing side. The opposing. Fucking. Side. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about who funds your campaign, YOU MAKE LAWS FOR OUR ENTIRE COUNTRY. YOU ARE A U.S. SENATOR.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE NUMBER OF GUN DEATHS JUST SINCE SANDY HOOK? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to lead? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY THE MAJORITY OF OUR FUCKING COUNTRY.
“Ohhh, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad.” Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners of the Senate waiting for an interest group to tell you how to vote or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:DO NOT PRETEND YOU CARE ABOUT AMERICA.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THE WORLD. I would rather have 55 senators that are engaged with the American public and not fucking awkward than 45 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t vote for gun legislation because I’ll lose my seat, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life. Seriously. I swear to God if the U.S. Congress can’t get with the program, the American people will tell you to leave. We’re not even kidding. Try us.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.